hope & destiny

Helpless

2012-01-27T13:46:00.000-08:00

The feeling of helplessness is for me the absolute worst feeling I can think of.
When you of all your heart want to help someone but there is nothing you can do.
All you can do is to stand by and watch when someone you care of is suffering
You wish you could trade places so that you can deal with the pain yourself because the physical pain is easier to handle than that terribly mental pain of helplessness.

life is a real selfconfidence destroyer even at christmas.

2011-12-23T14:39:00.000-08:00

Why do I feel lonely, why do I feel lonely when I have all that a girl can ask for.

Why don´t I have strength to fit in and to be one of them, one of those happy couples crazy in love forever

I have a man but he don´t give me closness, I have a man but he won´t held my hand, I have a man but he don´t tell me he love me, I have a man who don´t talk to me, but he is my man and even with his flaws of emotions I hope that he love me, want me and that I do myself right to hope for his love

life is a real selfconfidence destroyer even at christmas.

Vad hände med närhet

2011-12-12T08:14:00.000-08:00

Han visar att han älskar mig på alla sätt utom genom närhet. Närheten är det viktigaste. Närheten är tronen varpå kärleken vistas. Visar han kärlek på alla andra sätt men glömmer närheten.. då är de inget värt.

Om jag är ledsen får jag en dyr present, när allt jag behöver är en kram och ett smekande finger över kinden

Dörren slår igen och jag står ensam kvar och tänker att efter 5 månader så ska man fortfarande vela ge sin kärlek en kram innan man lämnar för dagens plikter.... Jag är redan trött på att behöva tvinga till mig en kram varje gång...

Vad är det för fel på mig varför har jag ett sådant behov av närhet eller vad är det för fel på honom, har den del av hjärtat som ska vilja ge närhet förfrusit.

Varför har jag så många känslor när Han kan vara så känslokall och tillfreds med sitt känslokalla beteende.

Varför blir jag så ledsen och varför känner han inte hur jag skriker efter närhet

Alla vill bli älskade och vi behöver ständig övertygelse om att vi är älskade

2011-12-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

- Anonymous

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Dreams are important.
Without dreams to guide your future,
you become lost, and your every choice and action
become random and meaningless.

- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

2011-11-28T12:22:00.000-08:00

Life is a lot of things but sometimes it´s just shit it dose not need to be anyones fault sometimes it is just becomes like a lose in domino and everything continues to rage until all that once was is eradicated.

I suppose that is faith making its way to shape a destiny meant for you. It might notbe or feel right but it is Faith and it need to be trusted.

2011-11-18T18:19:00.000-08:00

How do you explain to someone something you don't understand yourself?

There's a smile on my face but I don't know why it's there... I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care.

No one can see the pain what we hide, They´re happy for us to keep it inside, our fear is our own; they don´t want to know. Why should we involve them; Why should it show.

Quotes by unknown

mummy don´t be sad, I´m your sunshine, remember

2011-11-08T14:08:00.000-08:00

You got to stand upright

2011-11-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

Even though you have forgotten how to breath, forgotten how to sleep, forgotten how to eat, forgotten how to live and forgotten why you are alive. Even then you can´t just disappere, Life isn´t that simple.
Everything is not about me, I am not allowed to be selfish, and if I´d give up there would be no hope left to hope for and no dreams to fulfill.

My trust is in my fate and I beleive my fate to be special in a way that gives
me strength to make me continue this
uphill battle and defeat my biggest enemy;
wich is myself

despite this darkness.... This Will become my words one day, I´m a figther not a quitter

2011-11-07T07:26:00.000-08:00

I saw the light

At the end of a tunnel

Believe in the pot of gold

At the end of the rainbow

And faith was right there

To pull me through

Used to be locked doors

Now I can just walk on through

It's the greatest

I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that mountain peak up high

Hey, I made it

I'm the world's greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope

When my back's against the ropes

I can feel it

I'm the world's greatest

I am a mountain

I am a tall tree

Oh, I am a swift wind

Sweepin' the country

I am a river

Down in the valley

Oh, I am a vision

And I can see clearly

If anybody asks u who I am

Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say
I'm that star up in the sky

R. Kelly - The worlds greatest

I`m old now

2011-10-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

Looked into the mirror this morning and realized, I am old now.

I should have had everything sorted now; I should have a plan, but there is no plan... I´m still like a little girl full of unattainable dreams and with naive hopes...

...but there is nothing wrong with dreaming

People tell me to make my dreams come true, but I don´t understand, how I’m I supposed to do that?

Every day I got to do the duty run in the eternity wheel to keep myself afloat and then there is no time or strength left for dreams just for dreaming.

Days goes by and I get older, meanwhile my dreams keeps moving further out of reach

to what should have been my future

2011-10-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

Hey

Even though our lives keep moving on in different directions, different continents and on different sides of the globe; I still think about you and wondering how you are and if you healthy and happy.

I hope you are content with your life and that you enjoy work, love, surfing and health. I hope that you have met a good person to share your life with who deserve you and take good care of you because you are only worth the best, remember that.
I hope you get kids if you don’t already have any of those, because you would be a wonderful dad.

I don’t believe I will ever get kids that chance would have been with you, but I’m settled with my wonderful pets who mean the world to me.
You will probably newer understand this, but you should be pleased that you got out of my life before my breakdown, in a way I did you a favor.

My life is a bit like the weather outside tonight (a crazy storm) and I’m as usual a mess of ups and downs and will always be, but I have learned how to handle it quite well by now. I’m a dreamer and that’s what gives me strength

My mum is happy again and she is like a new person, Lucia and mum love each other, my sister is doing Very well working as a social worker and are living with her boyfriend in Stockholm and dad is good with his new family.

Remember that you always have a piece of my heart.

Love

M

2011-10-09T04:55:00.000-07:00

I must be different. The Human body consists of bones, joints, muscles and skin. All this materials might get tiny nicks but can be restored when broken.

I must be cast in Iron, once casted errors can´t be repaired and will stay cracked for a lifetime, other parts might be made out of plastic and once it is destroyed it temporary can be fixed with super glu but in matter of time it will always be breakage again
I must be different my cracks and wounds dosen´t heal they remain.

The only thing we all have in common is the hart once the hart is wounded there will always be mortal without second chanses

I have a lot of things to be happy of but...

2011-10-08T03:55:00.000-07:00

How will I be able to enjoy all the
wonderful and beutiful things

I actually do have in my life

when my hart is worn out and my mind is broken................

Signs & Crossroads

2011-10-04T06:25:00.000-07:00

“It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped"

My guts telling me to run to follow my instinct! But my heart is telling me to settle down; find peace and dare to trust.
I have a feeling that my destiny is supposed to be that escape that keeps coming up in my head every day, I want to leave, I want to start over again, this time in a cheap bohemian but charming lifestyle in France, just me and my dog.

BUT my faith is pushing me in the wrong direction.
I was so close to leave again; my mother was happy again and settled in her new life, my sister has started a new life in Stockholm, my dad hmm yea he was settled already before he even left us, my grandparents are old and brittle but they have each other, but what about this little confused thing called me.

I can´t really afford my apartment, I don´t often enjoy my job at the hotel, I sure as hell don´t enjoy the 10 months of cold weather, I don´t like the sound of the strict proper language, I don´t like the correctness, I can’t find the charm, the peace or the harmony.

Don´t get me wrong everything is not all bad.
I do like to be close to my wonderful family, I love to be able to have mine and my families pets all around me and I think I will be able to love my new man very much.

For about 3 months ago today I meet this kind, tender, easygoing man who has 18 years more life experience than myself and who make me feel rather safe. We haven´t been apart one night since the day we met and he have stays with me and my pets in my apartment since that day we met.
I like him, he make me happy, he makes me safe, he makes me laugh, he is loving towards my pets and he takes my hand and lead me through times of darkness.

Today we packed down his life and transferred it to my life, it made me scared because that´s fait pushing me further away from my escape. It makes me more than scared it makes me terrified.
He tells me we will travel he tells me we will escape, but it just blow me past like a gust of wind. I know that will not be the same because you will always have to go back home again. I don´t want to travel I want to escape and live.
Living life here in this lifestyle I need to live to be able to fit in, It will never make me afford to do or go anywhere and I can´t help the felling of being trapped.
The thing is that escaping isn´t always that great either, I will be exhausted of once again start over, I will have a hard time to fit in everywhere, the barriers of different languages will make it harder, I will constantly miss my family and feel remorse because I once again left them and after a while I would want to tear up all the newborn roots and leave again!

The other day faith was there again trying to make me understand that I should not escape anymore because my mum said out of nowhere that she was about to buy an holiday apartment in FRANCE.. I would be able to go there often and get a bit of glory from both worlds. But still even thought faith is really pushing me I am far from convinced

So yes I´m happy but I´m torn how will I ever be able to trust faith when my dream is my destiny

“Actions are the seed of fate deeds grow into destiny.”

My new book ! =)

2011-10-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

Marilyn Monroe

"Fragmens"

A present from my wonderful mum

Drivved

2011-09-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Det finns två sorters människor här i världen
Dom som får stjärnhimlen när dom begär den
Och som med självklarhet, tar för sig var dag
Så finns det dom som får slåss för varje andetag
Å, lille konstnär, in känsliga själ
Du vill få världen att skratta, men den har dej ihjäl
Ett spel med märkta kort, ett spel du aldrig kan vinna
Och denna sällsamma längtan, Är allt du ska fïnna

Peter LeMarc

Frankrike

2011-09-14T11:15:00.001-07:00

Idag för 10 års sen hade en blott 19 årig Malin spenderat drygt en vecka i Frankrike. Det var i en lägenhet i Nice på Franska Rivieran som Malin satt och försökte tyda vad det var som hänt där i Amerika den 11 september 2001.

Det var en ung, naiv, oförstörd, liten tjej, full av hopp, full av liv och full av förväntan med ett Leende värmande likt solen som anlänt i Frankrike på obestämd tid.

Min familj hade vinkat av mig på flygplatsen 2 veckor tidigare, Mamma med tårarna strilande ner för hennes kinder. Min vackra, naiva underbara mamma som guidat mig genom min uppväxt likt en porslinsdocka i en vacker sagovärld. Hon lämnade mig där på flyplatsen med orden om att alltid tro gott om människor tills de visar motsatsen… Jag lärde mig fort att det var en sak som mamma inte visste något om och jag lärde mig att ha stor skeptism om människor till de bevisade att de var att lita på.

De första veckorna tillbringade jag i min mammas kusiner Ralf & Philippes lägenhet. Jag hade aldrig träffat dem men de var 2 härliga bröder dock väldigt olika. På dagarna badade, solade jag och upplevde den franska atmosfären. Utanför lägenheten där ja bodde så jobbade en knubbig, charmig tjej som hette Mavis. Mavis hade en fin bil och en söt liten blandras hund. Mavis läste till advokat, men hade ett annorlunda jobb; hon tillfredställde män. Jag brukade sitta i fönstret på kvällarna och se hur hon hoppade in i olika bilar för att åka iväg ett tag och sen komma tillbaka. Jag började rasta hennes hund på kvällarna när hon jobbade. Min mamma har lärt mig att aldrig döma människor så det gjorde jag inte.

Ibland följde jag med Philippe på marknaden och stod med honom och övade min franska samt sålde allt från smycken till möbler. Jag älskade verkligen Frankrike och dess atmosfär
to be continued nån gång när ja en gång börjar på min bok

Sunkist!

2011-09-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah we all shine on,
like the moon,
and the stars,
and the sun.
John Lennon

2011-09-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

Wanted!

My smile has gone missing!

It was last seen ages ago before I got betrayed and lost faith of all that I believed in.

Please if seen, tell the smile to come back to save my destiny!

Nothing can make me smile anymore not even a silly note on a receipt at work

I lied, one thing still make me smile and that's my beautiful Lucas,

that doggy make my sure my hart keep beating

Wanted

My smile has gone missing!

I want my new man to be able to see the beautiful smile that I once had.

Because he is good and he deserve it!

Runaway

2011-09-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

if it wasn´t for all these never ending commitments towards family, work and life... than I would have been long gone on a journey towards unknown destinations far far away..to find harmony & the strength in my soul to manage to outlive the destiny chosen for me...
just my old rusty car, my dog and me!

sneaky eyes

2011-08-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

after downfall the naughty mischiveus me show up, like a chantarelle popping up in the moss at authumn.

What to excpect;
can I trust myself?
will I behave?
will I make myself proud?

I never have peace in my mind either my mind is up high crazy or it is sad deppressed at rock bottom

bipolar

2011-08-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

It will always come back. Just like winter comes back every year, just like hunger comes back every day, just like sleepiness comes back every evening. It will always come back.

I never know when and why but it will be sneaking up on me, it will never leave me at peace for long. I can never process it because I don't know what to process, I don´t know what it is, why it keeps coming or where it´s coming from, all I know is that it will always return, and it always does, always, until the day i disappear..

I should be ashamed. I have everything I could ask for; a loving and caring family, a man that adores me and look at me with love, my dog who is my spark of life, roof over my head... But still how can I seize this love and luck if I always know IT will com back.

IT is a giant black cloud who make me lose hope, loose my footing making me slip in to the abyss of darkness and loose my precious life spark in the dark.

I go from happy to empty and that IT hunts me for days, making tears roll down my cheeks without any known reason, make my mind speak disparaging thoughts, making me sad, antisocial, empty and lost. I fight to stay above surface and I stay alive not to disappoint my loved ones. The feeling of devastation of my soul and emptiness of my mind is a feeling you would never be able to explain. In this state I am only alive for my loved ones but secretly begging them for authority to let me go.

How to process something who dosen´t exist? how to heal something that isn´t broken? how to find peace when always hunted?

How to get rid of those feelings? feelings echoing in my head...... please let me go, please let me go of those feelings of remorse, please let me leave these roller-coaster nightmare behind....

A roller-coaster got to go down to be able to go up and if i let go and fall out and disappear into the infinity than I make a choice that prevent me from having faith and hope.

It would prevent me to enjoy those amazing moment of when the roller-coaster stands on the top and the overwhelming feeling of happiness, excitement and satisfaction of what may be.

If I give up, I wouldn´t be able to see my mum smile, wouldn't be able to se my sister succed in her new life, I woulde´t be able to wake up and look into the eyes of the man I love, or I wouldn´t be able to feel the love when coming home to my lovely puppy Lucas, I woulde´t be able to make sure my Grandmother got to end her days with a smile on her lips. I would have given up on hope and when fait and hope dies so does your soul, and without a soul you are nothing.

However much and however hard and however painful this big black cloud is, IT is not going to break me, I won´t give up, because a black cloud every now and than, and to get to sit on top of that roller-coaster sometimes sure is much better than a black hole of infinity

IT will always be a struggle, until the day it all ends, Because it will always come back, always. But when it gone down to hit rock bottom, its going back up and I will once more be back on top to collect strength before it goes back down again.

It is amazing being back up on top, but hard to reach to enjoy. It will always be a constant roller- coaster of something I will never understand and that never will make sence and it will always go up and down

Faith and hope help me stay alive but my loved ones is the ones that really force me to struggle

I love you all, I don´t think you ever going to understand how much, if it wasn´t for you, I would be long gone.

I have forgotten how to jump

2011-08-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had.

No one waits forever.

exhausted of the human chaos, want to sit on my peaceful rock and not move

2011-08-27T05:33:00.000-07:00

“Burnout is nature's way of telling you, you've been going through the motions your soul has departed; you're a zombie, a member of the walking dead, a sleepwalker. False optimism is like administrating stimulants to an exhausted nervous system.”

Sam Keen

“One of the main causes of burnout is a loss of reciprocity in social interactions. In other words, we have to give much more than we get back.”

Peter Richter

“Burnout happens, not because we're trying to solve problems but because we've been trying to solve the same problem over and over and over.”

Susan ScottSusan S

The humanity ezhaust me and I want to hide / Me

You´ve gotta learn to live with the pain not for the pain

2011-08-26T03:11:00.000-07:00

"It has been said that time heals all wounds.
I do not agree.
The wounds remain.
In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."

(Rose Kennedy) Reid "Criminal Minds"

A serious age crisis and a Miracle

2011-06-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

While at work checking in all drunken guests coming to celebrate midsummer Friday afternoon, I realised I hadn´t been celebrating midsummer myself for 10 years. 10 years is a very long time and it also made me feel very old... I decided that it was about time to celebrate it this year.

After work I headed out in my dress and heals to meet up with my 5 and 7 years younger cousins. That I should never have done cus that didn´t make me feel any younger that's for sure. We went to a party where I definitely was the oldest and even tho the young boys was kind enough to compliment me and everyone tried to make me feel as one of them I was just feeling like an outcast....

Man I think I´m having a serious age crisis. It is like when you believe you might be pregnant and just seeing babies everywhere but I was just seeing 14 year olds and saw my own life flash by and how more wrinkles appeared by the hour.

The night and my age crisis went on. I saw two boys from my past who both had new girlfriends at least 10 years younger than myself of course. I saw all this beautiful young girls with skin as the perfection of silk, I saw all this unmature boyishh boys and all theseoverweightt stinky old men but the boys in between was not to be seen, supposed they where all home with their families cus that's what you supposed to have in my age... family...

My mind had gone stuck on ages. Around 2 at night after bumping in to a 3^rd man from my past standing under a tree making out with what looked like a 13 year old, than I simply gave up and went home.

Thanks to my rather early night I woke up early Sunday morning and went to pick up my little sunshine doggie at my grandparents Place. My grandparents actually met when my grnadma was only the age of 12, and they are the most loveful couple i´v ever seen.
My doggie, myself and my cousins went for breakfast downtown. My cousins went off here and there to meet up with people and myself sat down on a park bench feeling blue. When I sat there feeling sorry for myself my phone beeped and gave me a massive fright tho I had forgotten how the message tone sounded as it was so long ago i got a message. And there it was.... that random message that I never ever would have expected... Halloj how´s it after the midsummer weekend....

It Was from a guy I met ages ago but the timing where off at the time but now the timing was great haha how´s that for miracle timing.... Went from me sitting on a bench feeling lonely and blue to a beeep to a walk in the park with a handsome man full of potential... and he loves to travel.

When you least expect it miracles does happen

It might never be anything witht this man but I am defenitely in Love with the miracle

a real man

2011-06-13T10:02:00.001-07:00

wondering why all the wrong men are drawn to me.... perverts, cold egotistical bastards, stalkers, 60 year olds, unfaitfulwifebeaters, drunks, sex addicts... or the kindest most wonderful ones, that I wish I could fall for but just can´t. Just let me love and give me a real man dammit, one who actually deserve me, or at least keep the crapy ones off me...

Delta Goodrem´s llyrics to Fragile

2011-06-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

"Fragile"

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone
Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong
Sometimes I feel so frail so small
Sometimes I feel vulnerable
Sometimes I feel a little fragile
A little fragile

Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one
Seven days a week but my life has just begun
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

In six thousand years what will this mean
Words from the heart or a melody
So caught in emotion and I'm overcome
As I'm falling down I come undone

If people can see right through my eyes
Like an open door that I can't disguise
I won't be afraid from the tears I cry
I'll not run I'll not hide this is how I feel inside
A little fragile

2011-06-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love.

- Francoise Sagan

I do agree, either love to point of madness or just don´t, there isn´t anything worst than lame love... All in or nothing!

- Me

Faith & Destiny

2011-06-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

Why all this setbacks and no success? I´m losing hope, I´m losing my religion that is the hope of fate and destiny. I´m treading water faster and faster but still sinking slowly towards the darkness. What have I done wrong to deserve these constant setbacks, what have I done wrong to not deserve peace and happiness.

Please as I once again need it more than ever, give me a sign, just a little sign to convince me that it is worth my effort to keep fighting, convince me of that there will be success, convince me that I will find my path to happiness and convince me that my hart dare to find love again and that love will find me, convince me of finding peace, and convince me that there is strenght to keep on going.

There will always be people who are worst of than myself, but the human mind don´t work like that it is as hard for everyone even though there are more or less pesky situations. I should be happy for so much but if there is no peace in your soul or mind you won´t be able to attract the harmony of success.

Once you have hit the rock bottom of darkness there is a long jorney to get back on track, that jorney might last you til the end.. you take two step forward but fall six steps backwards. But if you ever managing to get back on track you will be reborn as a new stronger person. I will still be lonely, I still won´t fit in as the numb others do.... the numb others would never get to understand my long and struggeling journey but if I could be able to feel hope again than it will all be going in the right direction and my religion will be reborn.
Faith & Destiny.

Jag vill hoppas, jag vill tro, jag vill va naive....

2011-05-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

Varför denna onda cirkel, varför vågar jag inte finna lyckan längre, varför ska jag bli så osäker och tappa mitt självförtroende så hårt så att jag mister hela min personlighet och min charm. Varför blir jag nån som inte är jag, varför kan jag inte blotta hela mitt underbara jag och visa vilken underbar liten tjej jag faktiskt är.

Jag låser istället in större delen av mig själv bakom självförtroendets galler och hoppas han ska tycka om den tysta, tillbakadragna, krystade, blyga, ocharmiga, tråkiga lilla del av mig som finns kvar i frihet, ..... men hur ska han kunna tycka om den lilla del om ja inte ens står ut med den själv.

Det krävs att han visar sin uppskattning så tydlig så det etsats in i pannan på honom så att ja kan läsa av han som en bok, då först, då vågar ja släppa fram lite till av mig själv.

Varför blir jag så destruktiv att jag ignorerar de små tecken på uppskattning han ger mig och vänder dessa till något dåligt och bryter ner mig själv ändå mer. Varför analyserar jag varenda ord, rörelse och sak han gör till något negativt. Varför vågar jag inte ha tillit längre, varför har luften och orken att våga gått ur mig. Varför jämför jag mig med hans X. Varför vågar jag inte låta mig känna mig älskad, varför kan jag inte unna mig själv att få känna lycka. Jag kan aldrig vinna om jag inte vågar. Vad har jag mer att förlora.

Varför lämnar jag honom inte efter en underbar natt tillsammans med ett leende på läpparna utan istället med uppspärrade skrämda ögon, bultande hjärta och med en känsla av skräck och en oemotståndlig lust att springa, fly, gömma mig, förstöra, försvinna, bara ifall att så han inte kan såra mig eller jag honom. Om jag blir osäker på honom och tappar mitt självförtroende så är risken stor att jag får för mig att ta till nån av mina reservplaner och sårar honom oxå eller bara för att jag tror att han är på väg att såra mig, så att jag inte blir så sårad eftersom jag förstörde det själv och det känns bättre än att bli sårad.

Allt ja vill e att få peace, någon att komma hem till som lyser upp och ger mig en kram och frågar hur min dag varit, någon som saknar mig, någon som kryper upp hos mig i soffan, någon som håller om mig när jag är ledsen, någon som är min bäste vän, någon att lita på till tusen och någon som vill älska mig för vem jag är och nån som jag faktiskt till och med vågar och kan älska tillbaka.

I want but I don´t want, but I want but I´m terrified, but I´m terrified not to as well

2011-05-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

I hated being single all I wanted was to find that special somebody that would love and care for me make me laugh and feel safe.

It is not hard to find him, in the matter of fact I can fin many Him in a week. It is when he is found my confidence drop. The first couple of dates is not hard the hard bit is the rest. To keep him, To make sure he don´t notice how badly my confidence drops and how destructive my thoughts become and how quiet I get.

The more I love him the harder it is. I struggle to make myself stay with him and not leaving him with a poor excuse. Even if he is perfect and I might Love him I have the urge to leave him to save him from myself, I don´t find myself good enough for him and feel that all I say or do is stupid. Those evil little voices in my head keep telling me how worthless I am.... and the voices just keep echoes in my head save him, save him, save him, save him your selfish bitch, just because you might love him it dose not give you the right to ruin his life. The more I like home the louder the voices get.

Being with someone is to risk everything, to dear trusting someone with your precious soul, and get stripped bare both physically and mentally. You will risk to get broken down and hurt but on the same time If you have a dream, give it a chance to happen, every chance taken is another chance to win. You just need to dare to throw yourself in there with all your hope, trust the faith and follow your destiny.

I live in hope of that maybe this time I might be able to conquer those evil voices, and to let myself deserve to feel happiness, I don´t think it will be easy but it is a start and you just got to keep hoping because without hope what would life be.

Nothing was ever achieved without someone taking a chance. You can get hurt, disappointed, frustrated, sad but if you don't even take a chance you get empty and that is the closest you get to beeing alive but dead

The most important thing but also the hardest thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in

Loneliness

2011-04-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

You don´t actually need to be lonely to be lonely. I often feel lonely even though I have a lot of friends, know a lot of people all over the world and have a huge family.

When people are doing all this fun stuff such as going to the islands, having nice barbeques at someone’s house, going for a road trips or just going for beers at the pub I would never get asked to join.

With My Girlfriends I suppose it is my own fault as I just don’t like gossiping and sit around talking for hours , as I don’t like that it make me feel like an outcast.

I think that’s the reason I always preferred hanging with the boys is because they do more active things together in a group. The thing with the boys is that when I feel insecure I can be a bit flirty and say stupid things which is not really me, but I become the blond girl that the boys expect me to be

With My friends that are boys it feels like they want some kind of sole rights to me and don’t want me to meet their friends even though they know there is definitely only friendship between the two of us.

At work I feel lonely as I work so so hard as I’m such a perfectionist, while my colleges giggling would sit gossiping and browsing in some magazine, I get angry and agitated at my colleges as they can sit there in such peace while I’m so stressed out with things that need to be done even if I have no right to, so I feel as an outcast once again

My sister would never invite me to join her and her friends as I think she feels Embarrassment towards me as I speak too much, and according to her don’t think before I speak. I am only me and I say things that I think of, I’m honest and straight up and I am proud of myself for that. She don’t need to be ashamed of me, she don’t need to stand up for things I say, because that I can do myself.

If I have a boyfriend he would go out to “meet the boys” and I will sit alone back at home as he don’t really like me being out anywhere without him. He would go for dinner and drinks without me and get home about six o clock in the morning and I will fell like the loneliest girl alive when I hear the door open even if I don’t have rights for those feelings as I’m not alone.

Animals don’t make me feel lonely the jus love me unconditionally and warship me. When I feel lonely at night my little dog would crawl up and put his head gentle on my arm, look me in the eyes and soon be snoring comforting next to me and I will fell asleep and disappear into my dreams

2011-04-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

She smiles with all that she has left, yet tears are left un-dried. And though she's got so much to say, she bottles it up inside. If you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees, a disguise so you won't recognize, the girl is really me... '~'

2011-04-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

It's hard to end love with someone, but its harder to love someone when its not the same love you started with. What is the hardest is when the years goes by and you realizing that that someone actually is the love of you life anyways but that its now to late

♥♥♥R.W.S♥♥♥

trapped

2011-04-03T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am trapped between the loyalty to myself and the loyalty towards my family.

I just want to pack my backpack bring my puppy and escape out in the world of infinity. I want to escape again but this time without the remorse and feelings of betrayal towards my family.

I love them more than anything in life but in order to find peace I need this spiritual egoistic trip without any attachments or feelings of remorse.

I’m trapped because they will always care, always love, always want me to live to what to them seems a happy Life, a life with a house, a car, a husband, a fulltime job, a baby, and pets.

I’m trapped because of the unromantic fact of the necessarily of money, I’m trapped because of my apartment, my beautiful pets, my loyalty towards my family, my need for serenity and peace, and because of the fact that I will always feel lost even when I’m not

I’m trapped in my body where my head is tormented by the feeling of anxiety, panic, eternal restlessness, and the constant feeling of not belong here.

The hardest feeling of them all is that wherever I am; if it is a cold rainy day in Sweden or a on a beautiful beach somewhere warm it does not matter because I still will feel lonely, trapped and lost.

rescue me...

2011-04-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

I wish I could find peace just for a day, an hour or at least a minute. My brain just spinning, eating my heart out.

The frustration is taking over all my senses, my body slowly shutting down one feeling after another to prevent me to explode making me feel numb, lonely and lost.

Where is my rescue? I need my rescue! My faithful, loving and caring rescue, the one which will always stand by my side, fell asleep looking into my eyes and wake me up with a soft kiss and comforting words of hope.

Taste

2011-03-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

hmm 04.22 home from long day at work....

to a lonely bed in a cold country.......

but i´m not bitter.... just a tiny bit sour...

with salty tears..... but still the sweetest

“If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else”

2011-03-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

I agree, but I’m not.

I agree with that you need to find peace within yourself, but I think that sometimes you might need a helping hand along the way. I don’t think you need to find it all by you self.

Most people feel lost in between; even the one’s who has found the peace within themselves.

I think that we are just like the animals, we need togetherness and are meant to be two. Two to find total trust in each other and give guidance through darkness and hard times.
WE are just NOT meant to be alone.

I don't think people who try to live alone will suceed as a human being. Her hart withers if it does not answer another hart. Her mind shrinks away if she hears only echoes of its own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.

I feel Split:
The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved but on the same time people drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the beutiful but sad state to live in. Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.

Below is a quotation of a very vise man Mr Paulo Coelho

“I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange.”

Paulo Coelho

”sent 50 tal 60-70 och tidiga 80” talet.

2011-03-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

De tankar jag skriver om idag har jag inte mycket fakta om eftersom jag inte ens var född men det är min uppfattning och fantasin som flödar om det sköna ”sent 50 tal 60-70 och tidiga 80” talet. Självklart var inte allt bara underbart på denna tid men jag har valt att va naiv och hålla mig till endast det underbara.

Människor hade mer livsglädje, spontanitet, galenskap och vilja. Dom vågade göra revolt, vara annorlunda och prova nya saker. Då var det lov att uttrycka känslor och att känna känslor… Idag är man psykisk sjuk om man känner sina känslor och de bör dövas med lämplig medicin…

Det var när musiken var for real med riktiga instrument och när musiken kom så djupt från hjärtat så man blev rörd i själen. Det var med riktiga instrument med violiner, cellos och blåsinstrument som kom från verkliga instrument inte syntar eller datorer…
Det var när tv, IPADS, Datorer, Mobiltelefoner, botox, Laser, och naturkatastrofer inte styrde vårt liv….

Musik växte fram som aldrig skulle glömmas. Det var artister som Nina Simone, Eva Cassidy, Marvin Gaye, Sam Cooke, Nat King Cole, Billi Holiday, Miles Davis, Janis Joplin, Jimmie Hendrix, Van Morison, Otis Reding, Frank Sinatra, Bob Dylan, Edit Piaf, Stevie Wonder, Carole, King, James Taylor, Donna summer, Salomon Bourke, Barry White, Al Green, and Eart Wind and Fire, The Eagles, TheBeatles, Chicago, The Bee Gees, Dire Straits, Rolling Stones, Gun’s & Roses, Led Zeppelin and the biggest of them all Bob Marley and Buena Vista Social Club och alla de jag glömt

Prova nu att rada upp riktigt bra artister under 2000 talet som du tror du kommer minnas för alltid….. i alla fall för mig blir det tvärstopp.

Det var mer romantiskt, mer känslor, mer revolt, mer vågat, mer mig.
Jag tror jag mått mycket bättre om växt upp då och sluppit den eviga stressen. 2000 talet har inte varit annat än stress sen det började och de hävdades att jorden skulle gå under vilket den som vanligt inte gjorde

En av mina stora förebilder Marilyn Monroe en stark, stolt kvinna som sägs ha lidit av bipolär sjukdom. Hon dog 1962 exakt 20 år innan jag föddes hon rubbade på den stora tabu regeln om att kvinnor inte fick ta för sig och inte fick vara starka och snygga och välja och vraka. Hon gjorde allt med stolthet och trotsade alla regler om hur en kvinna borde uppträda.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe

Året innan jag föddes dog en stor Legend vår allas älskade Bob Marley. Bob Marley var den 3je världen första pop superstjärna och den man som introducerade världen till Reggaes mystiska krafter.

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake Up and Live!

-----Bob Marley

soo me

2011-03-17T00:37:00.000-07:00

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what theyre missing. Laugh til your stomach hurts. LIVE LIFE!

unknwn

Family is the most important thing in the world.

2011-03-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

My family means the world to me. My parents gave me the perfect childhood.

I got to grow up in the amazing countryside neighbour to a stable full off horses, sheep's, chats, dogs and other animals.

I was surrounded of people with both feet's on the ground. It wasn't about barbie dolls, cartoons, broken nails or Brazilian waxes, it was real.

It was about getting the hay in before the rain, it was about seeing newborn fouls, kitten, lambs and other animals struggle to take their first step and to adjust to their new world. It was about the powerful feeling of braking in the big wonderful horses and to win the respect of that amazing animal weighting 20 times our own weight. It all was about love, responsibility, teamwork and commitment.

It was about feeling loved, safe and cared for. If they where to pick me up they would never ever be late, they would always be there at least 5 minutes before time.

My family is this kind of family who is just so genuine, kind, considering, loving and wonderful that it is almost to hard to belong to them, but on the same time they are my saviour,

I wonder where I had been today without them.

My life is often quite chaotic and goes up and down as a dramatic roller coaster, but when everything seemed black they the ones who make me keep going it is for their sake, because I could never dream about hurting them, I would never be that selfish.

Sometimes I have secretly prayed to myself for them to let me go, to release me and say it is Ok we understand, but fate and destiny must want otherwise as I got blessed with such loving and caring family. They make me keep fighting and stay strong even when I don´t want to myself. Even if it sometimes feel unattainable I have hope that one day I will be at peace with myself and find harmony within myself, one day.....

“My Dear you feel as many feelings in one day as most people do in a lifetime”.

2011-03-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

Ibland har det känts som om jag varit på väg att sprängas för jag känner så mycket och tänker så mycket och ser så mycket men ingen runt om mig verkar förstå, En vis man som ansåg sig synsk i El Salvador sa en gång till mig... “My Dear you feel as many feelings in one day as most people do in a lifetime”.
När jag var liten var jag i stallet hela dagarna varje ledig stund och pratade med alla hästarna och älskade naturen.... jag kände sån trygghet i stallet så jag kunde somna bredvid nån av hästarna i deras box och sova så gott.
Mamma tror att min barndom som var så omgiven av djur och natur har gjort att jag är så känslig, jag kan läsa av en människa som är ledsen eller förtappad även när ingen annan anar det. Min mamma kan inte dölja något för mig jag ser allt, hon tycker nästan det är lite spökligt. haha fast ja e inget spöke jag är for real mycket mer for real än många många andra, för mig är det sorgligt med alla dessa människor som rymmer från sina känslor även om jag många gånger tänkt själv att jag orkar inte känna så mycket och att det bara är ett totalt kaos i mitt förvirrade lilla huvud.

oskrivna regler

2011-03-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

ju mer genuin, ärlig, rak och godhjärtan människa man är desto mer besvikelse verkar man få uppleva.... för att passa in i dagen samhälle måste man vara med och spela de falska människornas spel annars finns det ingen chans för oss egensinniga människor. Det är Sorligt.
Kanske är det där osäkerheten sätter in och man börjar tvivla på sig själv. Det är inte jag som ska bli destruktiv för att smälta in! det är jag som måste välja de människor som uppskattar mina fina sidor och uppslattar mig för den jag är. Det är lättare sagt än gjort för om man inte följer alla dessa normer och oskrivna regler så skrämmer man människor och de tar avstånd från det som är anorlunda.
Varför ska mycket som inte ens behöver vara så svårt kännas så invecklat och jobbigt.
Jag vill inte vara med och leka om det är så här det ska vara, jag vill njuta av livet fortsätta att vara ärlig rak och fin och att det ska finas tid och plats till lycka och gemenskap men varför skrämmer jag folk med mitt öppna sätt att vara när det egentligen är dom som ska bli rädda för sig själva.

so many lonely people sitting waiting for Love to happen, but if everyone just waiting and noone do, than we all end up alone

2011-03-09T07:14:00.000-08:00

If you alone it is because you think too much before you do...
If you dream too much it is because you don’t make your dreams come true...
If you want to get to know someone get to know the person not the rumors surrounding...
If you want to meet someone let them know....
If you want to love someone simply love....
If your surroundings do not accept your choices they are not worth your consideration...
Listen to your own hart, others opinion is not important, it is your life and it is you who is to decide the path....
Do not destroy your own destiny with leaving your decisions in the hands of others....
The fate and destiny will eventually lead you right in the long winning road to Love and happiness....
In Love there are only two individuals involved,
others have nothing there to do with their judging jealousy....
It is not harder than you make it,
what is the worst that can happen....
If you do and get a no or if you don’t do and will never know....